Episode 2 (11/26/2008): Leather, Limericks, and Queering Alice’s Restaurant

So this was a long time ago, when Mr. Kyle and I had a radio show, but I thought you’d emjoy what ultimately got transcribed. I know the re-reading gave me a good laugh.

-Natt

You asked for it, and now we’re giving it to you! Butches in the AM: The Thanksgiving Special, starts now!

Natt:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand GOOD Morning Twitter-verse! Welcome to the second live Twittercast of Butches in the AM with your hosts Natt and Kyle!
Kyle: Good morning Titter-verse! Are you ready? How ‘bout a weather report to start with?
Natt:Sounds good. Currently overcast, with highs in the mid 40’s here, as NYC gears up for the Macy’s parade. Not too windy though, so that’s definitely a plus. If you’re in town, head up to the UWS to catch a preview of the giant balloons tonight.
Kyle: Oh yeah… the big parade! You going to be there?
Natt: I will be avoiding the parade, though I may watch it on TV. Lots of cooking to do and then a family-style potluck. You?
Kyle: My thanksgiving celebration will include an inundation of family. And there is a definite danger of expanding the man belly I’ve been trying to shrink over the past couple of years. Also, I’m going out of town to a very Red sort of town, if you know what I mean.
Natt: Indeed I do. How’s the weather over there?
Kyle:I had to scrape my windows this morning (no bike riding), so I believe that makes it cold as a witch’s tit out here in the PAC NW… or is that considered unPC? And do we care?
Natt:Mmm, tits. I’m gonna go with, “A great way to warm your hands, but you might get slapped.”
	Debauched Diva: As much as I love your beautiful hands and have some wonderful memories of them, I draw the line at cold ones. Sorry.
Kyle: …Natt, I *love* tits… but I think there are other ways to warm up hands more efficiently.
Natt: Valid point. I happily concede that to you.
	Dangerous_Lilly: Actually….that sounds like it would be quite erotic for both parties My nipples can cut glass when I’m cold.
Kyle: Do we have a caller on the line? Go ahead @Dangerous_Lilly. What was that about your nipples?
Natt: Yes, do tell!
Dangerous_Lilly: Nice cold hands make nice hard, sensitive nipples… and once everybody’s all warmed up, oh my are they ever “warmed up!”
Natt: And on that note, we’ve got a great show for your today, folks! Kyle’s going to give us the 411 on keeping your favorite leather jacket in tip-top conditions, and special correspondents Leo de Frog and Hussyred will weigh in with their opinions on the holiday insanity. Plus, a special guest caller, and our first-ever “Wanking on the Air” segment.
	Kyle: Do we have our femme correspondent? Hussyred, wake up girl! Hussyred:(said from off-camera, in the studio) You boys are out of control! Kyle:(whispered away from the mic) You have no idea… this is not close to out of control Dangerous_Lilly: Wanking on the Air? Ohhh that sound FUN!
Kyle: Alright, dead animal skins! Butches love them, and I believe femmes love us in them. So what is it that turns us on about leather jackets?For me, the smell is a big turn on. And I love a nice supple leather. Let’s get some responses. freedomgrrrl:They smell good… Kyle: Is it just the smell? What about the James Dean, Fonzi angle? I’ll Admit it. I feel tougher wrapped in leather. freedomgrrrl:Well, they make you look tough too. And it’s nice to borrow when I’m cold. There’s something about a leather jacket thrown on over nothing else that gets me going. Kyle: Ahh… yes, the option of wrapping our women in our leather jackets and freezing until we’re blue… but all for a good cause. Ok, thank you caller for weighing in on the leather jacket question. Next caller? Dangerous_Lilly: The smell of leather does make me wet… Zero to horny in two seconds flat? Achieved by opening my bag o’ restraints and inhaling. Kyle: I felt that way when I pulled the Jaguar out for the first time… had to give it a nice big huff.
Natt: I’m going to go with allowing us to indulge in our fantasies about being a kick-ass butch with a bike. And definitely agreeing about the smell. Plus, really, who doesn’t want a jacket that’s rugged and yet still matches your harness?	MollyRen: Natt, is that a butch style tip?
Hussyred: I’d have to second that, Mr. Nightly. I think many femmes also love the chance to equate butches with James Dean.
Kyle: So a little hard to understand, emotionally restrained, cool and distant? Or just cool and sexy and ready for anything? Obviously, I need to go out and get a new leather jacket (A year ago, I had mine stolen from a bar in the same Red city I’m goign to be in this weekend.)To recap: leather turns us and them on. It’s comfortable, we can loan them to our dates, they are tough looking. Leo? Did I forget anything?	freedomgrrrl: Mmm, “ready for anything.” I like that!
Leo:(Dashing breathless into field) Leo de Frog on call here in the chilly swamps of Boston… but my hands are freshly warmed! No, Kyle, I think you’ve got it. Are we going to discuss the downsides?
Kyle: Excellent question, my friend. Ladies? Downsides to leather? debaucheddiva: Only rain or snow. For me, personally it is the smell that I like. Dangerous_Lilly: Depends on the leather. Some isn’t great quality, so not as soft. Stiff can be good, but stiff leather? Ouch! Kyle: …Yeah, quality of leather is important. I love leather with a supple, smooth hand myself. And yes, in the PacNW, sometimes leather is worn for the effect, not for practicality.	Dangerous_Lilly: Talk about your double entrendre… Kyle: (away from the mic) *snort* Ya think?
Natt: I think we would do well here to all take a moment of silence for the rough times marked by the bad, lesbionic leather jacket of the ’90s. Rough look!
Kyle: Okay, enlighten me. Which ones were the bad ones? I had a biker jacket while in the ’90′s… I have a bad feeling about it now.
Natt: Actually, I believe Leo had some thoughts on that. How’re you doing out there in the field?
Leo: Well, Natt, it’s a dry day in the field today, which is a good thing! I’d like to remind our younger, dryer, and perhaps more innocent listeners of one of the dangers of leather… or at least bad, ’90′s leather. Yes, that’s right: The Soak-Through Effect. It’s painful to admit this on the air, but in fact I once had a soaking wet leather jacket turn a perfectly good white dress shirt… PINK!This has been a Butch Public Service Announcement, from the field. Stay safe, kids!	Hussyred: There, there Leo, you’re strong enough for this.
Kyle:I’m assuming there was red liner in that jacket then? I think at this point we can safely say yes.
Natt: Thanks so much for that timely public service announcement, Leo. We’re going to take a short commercial break, but when we come back, Special Guest DebauchedDiva will talk to us about cures for your holiday crazies, Hussyred will feed us a special Thanksgiving Slice of Smut, and Kyle and I will Wank on the Air.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
Natt: Welcome back to Butch in the AM, where we’re tackling holiday blues the old fashioned way… dressing up in leather and posturing like we just don’t care. Say Kyle, we have a special holiday caller, here to tell us her coping strategies for the holiday crazy. Shall we put her on?
Kyle: Absolutely, my East Coast friend, bring it on!	Dangerous Lilly: I NEED AN ORGASM!!!!!!!!!!!
Natt: It is truly my pleasure to welcome the fabulous DebauchedDiva to our show. Hi Diva! Welcome to the show! How’s your week going, pre-holiday? Diva: Hi Natt. Thank you for that warm welcome. My week was quiet until today when every crazy person seemed to pop up.	Kyle: Okay Lilly, should we set up a charitable organization? Dangerous Lilly: Yessss… please… shall I just lay out naked and waiting? Kyle: Well there’s a form to fill our, actually… procedures to follow… you understand. Dangerous Lilly:(grabs Kyle by the shirt collar) GIVE TO ME THESE FORMS, MAN! DON’T HOLD OUT ON ME! Kyle: SECURITY! (Dangerous Lilly is dragged from studio by the Security Doms)

Butches in the Kitchen: Eating on a Dime

You know you’ve missed us; we missed you too. I know Kyle has a few recipes still up his sleeve,and so as not to miss out on the fun, I thought I’d share a delicious dish that’s been my lifesaver this last month.

I’ve been a little poor of late, which means no glamorous life of constant restaurant dining for me and lots of cooking at home and packing lunches. All well and good, you say, but really, who has time and money to cook delicious food and get up earlier in the morning to pack lunch?

Luckily for you, I agree. So here’s my cheap, simple, healthy and delicious burrito recipe:

Foodstuff:	Spices/ Seasoning:
1 tbsp olive oil1 onion (I use yellow or white)2 cloves of garlic 1 red pepper 1 green pepper 1 can of black beans Brown rice Tortillas (semi-optional, since this works well as a salad-type meal too) Avocado, sour cream, salsa (optional)	1 tablespoon chili powder1 1/2 teaspoons cumin1 teaspoon black pepper 1 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon paprika 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder 1/4 teaspoon onion powder 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

Okay, so honestly the thing that’s going to take longest in this recipe is the brown rice. It’s super healthy for you, but also a good 40-45 minutes of simmering goodness. If you’re just cooking for yourself, the first panel of serving instructions should work fine. A cup of uncooked rice should yield something like 2.5 cups cooked.

So pop that on the stove and get it going. When you have about 15 minutes left on the rice, you can start your prep. Personally, I’m a little OCD about my ingredients (or I watch too many cooking shows) so I like to have everything all chopped and in bowls beforehand. If this is you too, there should be the garlic pile, the onion pile, and then the red and green peppers, which you can cut into strips and then halve them so there aren’t giant spears o’ pepper in your burrito. If you prefer to prep as you go… well then there’s that as well.

Alright. Here we go:

Chop up the onion to your desired texture.

Put the olive oil in a pan, and let it heat up for 30-45 seconds. Then dump in your chopped onions. You want the heat on medium, so that the onions get lighter in color, but don’t start to brown. This process is going to take about 3 minutes.

While those onions are cooking away (and you’re occasionally stirring/shaking/checking on them) chop up two cloves of garlic (unless you already did, superstar!). You are going to add these to the onions after the 3 minute mark. I recently learned that my old method of doing the garlic first and then the onion was the reason it kept burning. The garlic you chopped is in tiny pieces. The onion will reduce the heat it’s being subjected to so you don’t get burnt garlic bits in your food. No one likes that.

Okay, now, with the garlic and onions well on their way to cooked (say 30 seconds to a minute) you’re going to add the spices. To be honest, I lifted this recipe from someone else, because the first time I made these, the recipe I followed said “Fajita Seasoning…” and I said, “WTF is THAT?” If you don’t have all the spices I listed, it’s totally okay. I usually just throw cumin, garlic salt, pepper, paprika, a little chili powder (and tumeric if I feel like making everything cheery and yellow) together and adjust to taste.

So add spices to the onions and garlic, and mix in for about 15 seconds.

Now add the peppers and stir well! This is going to cook for roughly 5 minutes, so that the peppers cook through but retain some crunch.

So your rice is pretty near done, your veggies look delicious:

Veggie Goodness

And all that’s left is the beans. Pop the can open, drain it, and toss them in a small pan over low heat for 2 minutes. I like to stir in a little hot sauce, but it’s completely up to you. Beans done.

Congratulations! Everything is done! Now all you have to do is assemble this sucker and dig in!

If you’re forgoing the tortilla, go scoop of rice, scoop of beans, and 2 scoops veggies piles in a bowl, top as you will and dig in.

Note on toppings: I <3 avocados with this, but have also done salsa and sour cream. Both are delicious. If you’re feeling really courageous, you COULD make guac for this (also delicious) but remember the avocados will run you extra at the supermarket. Also, personally I don’t feel the need for cheese in this mix, but I’m not gonna tell you not to do it. Your topping choices are your own.

If you want it all in a tortilla, I recommend looking for burrito sized ones (about 12 inch diameter). If you can’t find them, regular sized ones are fine, just be aware that there’s a lot to stuff into this meal and the smaller the tortilla the bigger the potential mess factor.

Tortilla heating methods vary. So people like them cold/straight out of the bag, others wrap a stack in tin foil and then throw them in a warm oven for a while. Still others nuke the suckers for about 15 seconds, and of course, there’s the tried and true method of laying one over the warm, delicious veggies you just made and letting it heat up that way. There is no wrong way (of the ways I’ve listed) to heat tortillas.
Once your tortilla has warmed to your liking, go rice, beans, veggies, toppings, roll it up and dig in.

Done right, this recipe should make 5 burritos, so potentially, you’re talking about 5 lunches or dinners or what have you. The rice and tortillas are an initial investment, but once you have those in stock, barring toppings, you’re looking at a meal that feeds you for multiple days for under $7. It just doesn’t get more awesome.

Enjoy!